So, today wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be....I had my moments though.  As long as I'm busy I'm good...(which will come in handy tonight since I have to get my house in order for Brycen's birthday party on Sat)

We took Haiden's to my mom's this morning (Bryce was in school) to give us the time we needed to deliver some care packages to a local hospital and to donate blood.  I wanted to give back in his memory...to maybe make a difference in someone else's life because of him....because he made a difference in mine.

This is honestly not how I thought my life would turn out.  I never thought that my baby would die....but I guess that's what every one thinks.  I had almost text book pregnancies with Brycen and Haiden....morning sickness, leg cramps, moodiness, swollen feet....OK you get the picture...So, I honestly thought that this pregnancy would be the same. One thing that is the same....regardless of how long I carried him on Earth, he will always be my son!  I will always love him!

Brycen has been bugging the crap out of us about "is it my birfthday, yet"  (and yes, that's how he says birthday LOL) so on the way home from school he asked "is my birfthday tomorrow, mama" and I said "No, sweetie tomorrow is actually the day that Ian should have been born" (I don't know what made me bring it up to him b/c I kinda didn't want him to remember since he usually gets so sad when he talks about Ian) and he said "Oh, well how are we going to have cake with him, if he's in Heaven" and when I told him that there would be no cake he said "well that's just plain sad!  He needs a cake"  It melted my heart!  So, on Ian's "angelversary", in April, we will definitely  have cake.

shoe store epiphany.....

Yesterday while I was paying for Haiden's shoes, the cashier noticed my charm bracelet that my friend, "A" made for me a few months back, and she said "Oh, is that a breast cancer awareness bracelet"  and I looked at her funny and she said "I see the ribbon" and I said "no, I had a miscarriage back in April and my friend made me this to remind me of him and my living children, the ribbon is for pregnancy and infant loss awareness" and she looked all sad and I honestly thought she might cry and she said "that is so thoughtful of her" and naturally I said "yeah, she is pretty great". But the weird thing about this whole conversation is: I didn't even tear up!  Which is so odd for me.  Usually when I talk about Ian with someone who doesn't know my situation I get emotional....but I didn't this time.  I was telling James that it was like when someone close to you (who you've known all your life) passes and months later you tell someone a sweet or funny story about them....it was like that.  It was a feeling of "bittersweetness" . I miss my baby, I really do...but I am so much stronger now than what I was 5 months ago.

Ian's due date is tomorrow....I'm dreading it.  But I did buy more journals and hopefully we are going to deliver them to a different drs office and then possibly go give blood as well....I really don't know how I'm going to feel emotionally tomorrow....right now I'm sad but OK so hopefully tomorrow will be the same.

I have had some really good days lately....but yesterday I had a "moment" I was looking for a song on YouTube and although I found it I also found this song:  Hug him Once for Me.  In the song a mom who has lost her baby is asking God to hug her child for her and to teach him all the things that she didn't get the opportunity to do herself....I sat there and sobbed and sobbed.  It's such a sweet song. But it made me incredibly sad.The song I was originally looking for is called Still by Gerrit Hofsink.  I heard it on someone else's blog and wanted to see if there was a decent video on youtube for it (I hate most youtube videos....they are usually soooo cheesy...just sayin)  and I found this  I'm going to use this on my Facebook page on Oct. 15th. for Miscarriage and Infant loss awareness day.  I think it gets the point across.  I'm also thinking about starting a facebook page to try to raise funds for our care packages....I still haven't asked the hubby to help set up a paypal :/  (so that's another fact you should know about me: not only am I very random...I'm also a procrastinator)

Ian's due date is less than 2 weeks away from now....it's not fair!  I should be blogging about swollen ankles and the crazy antics of my 5 year old wild man and my 1 year old diva.....not blogging about missing a child...my child...that I will never get to hold!  I want to blog about the craziness of carline...the meltdowns that happens when you tell a diva no.....I should be showing pictures of Brycen's toothless mouth and share about the tooth fairy.....showing a video of my belly looking like an alien took over......This is not the way MY life was supposed to turn out! Miscarriages are not supposed to happen in the 2nd trimester.....I should have been safe!  I should be NESTING and packing a hospital bag.....worrying about going into labor while James is at work.........worrying about who will get Brycen to and from school....I should not be blogging about something so dark....so vile as a miscarriage!  I want to post pictures of a healthy baby boy, 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes!  I want to be the woman I was before sadness took over!  It's just NOT FAIR!

Yesterday was actually a pretty fun day.....we took the kids to a local garden where they have story time once a week and then we went to chick fil a for family night afterwards.  The kids were well behaved, they played and we all laughed.... all in all it was a great afternoon......  Until we went to Target....  I was in the baby/toddler department looking at outfits for Haidie-bug when I saw it.....it was mocking me!  And the saddest thing is I actually almost bought it!  I wanted it soooooo bad!  Of course that isn't exactly very 'helpful' in my 'healing process' so it stayed there on the rack, waiting for someone else.

Post office mishap.....

I live in a fairly small community and I always go to the post office that is closest to my house even if it means that I have to do it with both kids in tow, instead of doing it before I pick them up from school, because this post office is so tiny, there is NEVER a line....  so today was "bill day" and while I was addressing the envelopes and such the cashier was making small talk and said "so are these your only two kids or do you have more at home"  I hesitated....I honestly didn't feel like telling my story today.....so I said "No, I don't have any more kids at home, just these two".  and as soon as I said it Brycen said "What about Ian, Mama" so I said "she asked if we have any more at home" and he looks at the lady and says "I have a brother named Ian, but he's in Heaven". He said it with such a sense of pride that kind of shocked me...not proud that his brother is in Heaven but proud that he HAS a brother.  I felt so many emotions in that one moment.... I was disappointed in myself for not at least saying something about Ian, I was heartbroken for Brycen(and myself) that he even has to say that he has a brother in Heaven, and I was also very proud of him for speaking out and being such a great big brother.

Why does it seem that EVERYTHING revolves around pregnancy and  babies?  I'm an avid reader and so while I'm sitting in car line or on break at work I'm reading....I read all sorts of books: romance (just not the extremely trashy ones LOL), mystery, drama....and the last 5 books or so have all either had 1) a newborn 2) a pregnancy 3) miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDS.......NONE of the synopsis state that its in the book ( I try to avoid my triggers) but its still there.  The book I'm currently reading is about a woman who "kidnaps/saves" her child when she was small...I figured ok I should be safe...nope she's pregnant, 4 mths same as I was.... I'm not sure if its going to be a recurrent "issue"(I just started it today) in this book but for once I'd like to read a book that there were no stupid triggers. Its bad enough I have to deal with them in real life.  I'm even considering asking my boss to switch me to an older room at the daycare.  Seeing and caring for the babies can be a bit much sometimes.  (sorry today's post is alittle whinny...the closer I get to my due date the crankier I get....)

good day.....horrible night

feeling down again tonight....don't really feel like "talking" but I wanted to share a song that I found....(I know, I know I do that quite often....but music is therapy for me)  The song is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne.  to read from the beginning....

UGH stupid facebook.....

I am so aggravated with everyone posting I am ______weeks and I am craving______.....its some sort of breast cancer awareness thing......I am all about breast cancer awareness; my grandmother had breast cancer and is now been in remission for 6 years and my best friend's mom is currently battling cancer. So trust me I want to raise awareness!  But I have to endure REAL pregnancy  posts all the time....now I'm reading fake ones too??!!! Come on people!  So anywho this was my status today:

I am NO weeks and I'm not craving anything.....I understand that its a game but when you've recently lost a baby.....its hard to read posts about REAL pregnancies.....let alone every single stupid status about fake pregnancies! I am ALL for Breast Cancer Awareness.....but post something real...like there is an estimated 230,480 new cases of invasive breast cancer in women. Breast cancer is the most common cancer among women in the United States, other than skin cancer. It is the second leading cause of cancer death in women, after lung cancer. If you want to get awareness out don't beat around the bush just say it....ok stepping off my soap box now......(btw I got my stats from the American Cancer Society)


I have to admit it was a little "scary" posting this but it was bugging the crap out of me.....

Wake me up when September Ends......

(sorry in advance...my thoughts are very random today)

Today....September 1st, should have been a happy day...it should have been 28 more days to go....  I was doing really well with things....life was finally starting to make sense again but this week has been hard!  It doesn't help that I'm stuck in the nursery at the daycare all this week....by myself....just me and a bunch of babies reminding me that Ian won't be making his grand debut in a few short weeks.....I'm trying so hard to hold it together.... I find myself struggling not to cry when I hold these sweet little ones....its a sad sad day when reality hits you in the face and you realize that: there will be no more itty bitties in my house....
   I'm not bitter and angry anymore but I do have less tolerance and I get frustrated at simple things that normally wouldn't bother me.  I prayed today that God would show me that this ministry is going to help.....It felt so good to deliver those elephants but are they really going to help someone?  .......
Anyway, the song is called "wake me up when September ends" by Green Day....I thought it was very fitting.
To read our story from the beginning